Don't scratch!

I try to meditate for 20 minutes right before I go to bed every night. I fail with consistency and lately, the nights I don't meditate, far outnumber the nights I do. It's funny how the things we know are best for us can become the very things we forgo most often!

In meditation, there is an element of self-discipline that is required and developed. Sitting still and keeping your mind clear for 20 minutes is far harder than it sounds!

As thoughts sneak in, and they do, all the time, we acknowledge them and let them float away like clouds across the sky. "We are not the itch, we experience the itch." I had to repeat that so many times last night it became a mantra! I had so many itches that desperately wanted me to scratch them! I focused, breathed, and watched them and their dagger like edges float by only to be replaced by another grouping!

Just when I thought I had claimed total victory, and believed I could finish the session without scratching the itch, a barrage of fresh itch breeched my walls and sought to usurp the throne of self-control. It reminded me of something I read in the book "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho. 

In the book, a Shepard boy ventures out in search of a treasure that has appeared to him in his dreams. On his journey, he has a chance encounter with a king who tells him about a mans "personal legend." According to the king, the only responsibility a man has in life, is to find and live out his personal legend. This concept is one I liken to finding your "core purpose."

The king explained, on the way to fulfilling your personal legend, the universe would at first seek to show you favor, call it beginners luck, in an effort to affirm you and motivate you to continue on your path. things magically fall into place, people are responding to you, you are making a difference! Oh my gosh! This is going to work!

The king further explains that a time comes when the journeyman would be tested before the fulfillment of their personal legend. He or she would need to use all the lessons they had learned through various trials in order to not quit or turn away. In that moment, they must prove their dedication to purpose, their personal legend. If they fail, they prove they are not ready for life after their personal legend is lived out. My meditation became a microcosm of that journey! 

At first, I was doing well. The first 6 minutes I was still, clear of mind. Beginners luck. Keep going. Then came the itch , the trials. I won, I overcame. But when the final barrage overtook me, I wanted to itch, I wanted to quit, I wanted to turn away from my "personal legend." I wanted to once again be comfortable. But, I resisted and am stronger for it.

My life has mirrored this journey, and without introspection, it would continue in failures. The phrase "strength through pain" has been important to me recently. Strength is required to go through and grow through pain. Pain is required to grow in strength. 

Running is painful, it isn't comfortable. Forgoing pleasure is painful. But we fail to grow stronger if we trade the pain for comfort.

Psychologist Carl Jung said "Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens." To realize our purpose we must look inside ourselves and find out who we really are. Not who we were told to be, not who we strive to be because society calls your path honorable. Jiddu Krishnamurti said, "It is no measure of good health to be adjusted to a profoundly sick society."

I'm not comfortable. I'm not trying to please anyone. I'm not trying to see how many likes or shares I can get on Facebook. I'm finding my purpose. I'm accepting the obstacles, limping over them and not looking in the crowd to see whose laughing at me.  It's my journey and I'm doing the bucket work. 

Band Aid Solution

Racism, is not new. Prejudice, is not new. Slavery, is not new. Genocide, is not new. Hate, is not new. I wish it was, because if it were, it would be an easier problem to solve.

Religions are not exempt from this truth, Nor is any nation. In our short history, in our own nation, we've hated the Chinese, Irish, and Africans to name a few. As "humans" there seems to always be a group that will find a diluted reason to hate a group for its "difference".

To effect change we create movements. Movements aren't bad, but are temporary fixes. Band aid solutions. Policy doesn't remove hate. It may silence the violence... For a time. But it will always lurk behind the shadows of noble cause, waiting until it's voice is strong enough, to once again spit it's venom.

 We went to war, defeated the Nazis, yet people still hate Jews.

I went to war, fought against the terrorists and learned about hate. I even felt it, and it scared me. I learned one universal truth in war. I fought an enemy who taught his child I was evil. This child grew up believing his father as any child would. Now, if I kill his father, I've not won a war, I've solidified in the boys mind, his father was justified in his lessons of hate. The war doesn't end. It is simply kicked down the road.

Non-Muslims are being murdered by terror groups. Children and women are thrown into sex trafficking. People abuse their "serfs" in pursuit of profit. Innocent black lives have been murdered. Innocent police lives have been murdered. 

We paint in broad brush strokes, "the state traded in the hoods of the KKK for police uniforms." "Blacks shouldn't complain, they have it so much better than they used too." These fallacies become dogmas, breeding grounds for hate. 

We chose a cause in order to solidify why we are justified in our feelings. But why do we feel this way? Because, from our warped perspective, we view others as different and it scares us. Like a baby, not hungry, suckles at their mothers breast. So do we suckle at the breast of security found in the teachings, whatever they may been, from our mothers and fathers. 

A very simple, basic illustration. 

"I'm a republican."

"Why?"

"Because my mom and dad were."

"What's a republican?"

"Not really sure, but that's what I am."

The root cause of fear is death. We will do irrational things when we fear death. We wish to survive and kill that which "threatens" us even if the threat is merely perceived and not real. So what's the solution?

Unity. Brotherhood. Sisterhood. Growing into mature masculinity and femininity. The realization we aren't different. To remove the labels. To Love. 

This spoken word piece, I believe,  reveals the root. Treat it and we won't need these band aid solutions anymore. 

Warning, living as a medication treating the root may be the hardest thing you ever do. It may take longer than your lifetime. But it's the only way to a unified human existence.

When I Grow Up

What do you want to be when you grow up? We ask that question of ourselves and each other over and over. I’m 32 and still trying to figure it out.

The problem is we think we have to be a professional “something.” The focus is wrong. The goal shouldn’t be to become a something. What we become should be a symptom of finding our core purpose.

Living life fueled by purpose will always turn you into something. Maybe a doctor, contractor, actor, athlete, waiter, or any other profession you can think of. But, the title we attain is such a small part of the bigger picture of who we are becoming. Often, the title becomes a death sentence.

I chose a safe career. Job security became more important than happiness. I’ve come to realize, that mindset robs three groups of people. You, those that love you, and all the people who would have been impacted by you had you pursued your passion and found your core purpose.

Finding these spiritual truths isn’t easy, nor is pursuing them once we’ve found them. I don’t think it should be easy. If it was, we’d miss out on the life experiences that uniquely qualify us to speak from our eventual platform. It would rob us of trial and conflict, both of which will grow us given the right perspective and mindset.

This morning, my 4 year old told me what she wanted to be when she grew up. Her answer was “a Human.” Wow. That hit me.

We follow what society tells us is good and honorable. We set our life’s course using culture as our map. We marry the path and deny the voices trying to pull us towards passion and purpose.

I admit, I resisted for years, and the pull still scares me at times.

Scale back the vision. What do you want to be?

We should all answer, “A human.”

I want to be a human with feelings. A human who is able to give love and receive it. Able to trust, have their heart broken, grieve, and move forward still open to trust. I want to feel.

Humans weren’t designed to be cold, numb, and isolated. We weren’t meant to find success in a career. We were meant to find our own heart and unlock its potential. We were meant to infect the world with our joy.

We can’t do that if we aren’t pursuing purpose and we can’t do that unless we first find our humanity.

For those reasons, when I grow up, I want to be a human.

Ego

Ego get out of here     

I’m done with you.

You hold me back,

Keeping me stuck in the past,

Dwelling on every mistake I’ve ever made.

Pursuing perfect imperfection,

A figment of my imagination.

Flawed is beautiful?

No. Better to change who you are

And avoid the scar.

But You’ve changed everything.

What I see in the mirror

Bad hair not a person,

Less then perfect complexion.

Self confidence, Eviction.

For ideas of this Ideal Identity

That's forever out of reach.

But I reached, and began to teach

Myself I wasn’t worth anything

Until I was loved by all.

By any means.

You’ve made me hurt others

By altering my behavior,

Suppressing me

To become who they want

Me to be.

I’ve sold out friends

For acquaintances,

My uniqueness

For carbon copies of cool.

Though my heart hurt from the fakeness

I continued to chase this.

This ideal identity,

This perfect me.

And for what?

For silence once the party dies?

Lonely until I’m needed

To bring laughter

To my fellow defeated?

Left empty with a pain in my stomach

That asks, was it worth it?

Was it worth it?

How dare you lead me to defeat

At the feet of the self worshiping lonely,

A phony who once was somebody.

Ego I’m done with you.

Pride filled eyes blocked my sight

Blinding my vision, darkness replaced light

Every disagreement a fight,

Because I had to be right.

Ego I’m done with you.

Look back at my wake

Broken hearts in the places I left them,

Juggled love in my hands

And failed to protect it,

Treated life as a game paid out in pain

Reduced people to names

In pursuit of this illusion of self proclaimed fame.

Ego I’m done with you

Self worth I run to you,

Self respect I’m in love with you,

Humbleness since we’ve met

My life’s song will be written

And sung to you.

My life made new

Headed for noble pursuits

Because ego, I’m done with you.

Throw a Fit

I held my child this morning. The embrace was life giving. But, the time came to put her down and she wept. It hurt my soul so I picked her up and embraced her tighter than before. She did the same. In that moment I didn't want to ever let her go... Then I realized something.

Many men, and women, (but I can only speak for the male psyche) grew up with our childhood robbed from us. It was smashed by an abusive father, hidden by and absent father, or distorted and wrapped in bubble wrap by an overindulgent father. 

We were prevented from growing into a mature man. Instead we grew up still clutching our inner child. The lost and hurting one. The child if we set down will cry until we pick it back up. 

Security and comfort are found only if we embrace that wounded child. Maybe that doesn't sound bad, but how much can we accomplish when holding that inner child. We have no free hand and in an effort to find one we have two choices. 

We can set the child down and complete the task half present and half focused and pulled down by the squalling child. We become short tempered and frustrated when the task doesn't go as planned. We want it done fast so we can silence the screaming child. 

Or, we can adjust, put the child on our hip, or some other odd mechanical arrangement and fumble through whatever it is we wish to do. Things get dropped, we appear incompetent and weak. We feel shamed, so this option makes us want to stop trying anything that doesn't nourish that inner child. 

So how do we overcome this? That's part of the journey I'm on. I'm taking moments to let the baby cry. I'm putting myself in relationships with men better than myself to help me mature the child. 

We should never get rid of the child inside us. If we do, we also get rid of creativity, spontaneity, and exuberant joy. We become callous, cruel, and driven only by results and completion of task. 

What we need to do, is learn how to set boundaries for that inner child. We need to help him grow and acknowledge he is part of us. We need to acknowledge what's going on when anger surges. We need to see that our inner child is on the ground throwing a fit in the middle of the grocery store. 

Then, we need to take a breathe, tell the child we'll be done in a minute, and only after we hold the space and finish the task will we return to the grab the child. It's not easy to do, but I'm trying.

Hurdles

Since running my last triathlon, my knee has been giving issues. I can’t seem to run more than a mile before a sharp pain reduces me to a walk, or light jog. I’ve tried to rest and ice it, slow down my pace, and even not run. Nothing has made a lasting impact. At mile one, the pain returns. At the 1-mile mark, my leg becomes unhealthy.

Yesterday, I needed to run. I needed a physical outlet. I’ve been reading about proper running form and had some new things I needed to try. It was 12 degrees yesterday morning when the time came to run. The first mile burned my lungs with cold, but I felt alive! But, after that first mile, the sharp pain jolted through my leg. I stopped and walked. I was frustrated but calm.

I asked myself, “What is going on!?!” Unsatisfied with walking I started to run again. I shortened my stride, doubled my cadence, and looked at the road, 20 feet ahead of me. With these things and only slightly bending my knee as I ran, I was able to finish the second mile. Setting out that morning, all I wanted to do was finish a 2 mile run.

I felt good about it. I didn't finish without pain, but I finished. My pace was slower than I would have liked. In the past, I hated any regression, but now I see it differently. Here’s what I learned yesterday morning.

I tend to focus on the future, but stare at the ground in front of me. My thought process is a little like this. “I want to finish an ironman and help others compete in the sport I’ve come to love. But, my knee is preventing me from running more than a mile. My dream then, is impossible. Now I’m hopeless.”

I disqualify myself rather than step back and reevaluate my circumstance. Maybe I should run slower for a while instead of just quitting. I had been running a 5K in the 23-minute range. Maybe I need to run it in the 27-minute range until I’m stronger and understand the origins of my pain. That's ok! Setbacks aren’t closed doors. Setbacks are more like hurdles, and hurdles were designed to be overcome.

Whatever dream I have, and there are several, will undoubtedly come with setbacks and hurdles. The question isn’t if or when, it’s what are you willing to overcome in pursuit of your dream.

Don’t stare at the ground on the way to your dream. You won’t see the hurdle coming and you will fall hard. I promise.

Don’t mistake the temporary for the permanent. Slowing down for a time doesn’t equal failure if it helps you ultimately get you to your dream.

Climbing Hill 22, that thing you feel if attempted would overwhelm and kill you, requires success and failure, sprints and walks, and hurdles… A lot of hurdles.

Nobody wins a race because they were comfortable. They win because they committed to what was required to overcome the hurdles. They new the cost’s, weighed them and decided their heart was willing to pay the price. They showed up to the race wounded, bearing their scars and appeared comfortable because the physical race is the easy part.

Making Tracks

The snow is falling and beginning to blanket the ground. The browning grass, the mole hills, and the scared earth slowly disappearing beneath pure white.

The damage done, the wounds of the past are covered, but still present under a clean slate, a blank canvas. I have new hope, like the falling snow.

Looking through the window, I am warm and appreciate the beauty before me. But, with the snow, comes burden. Stepping outside into the new world brings new challenges.

The wind whips, stings exposed skin. It's vulnerable. Each step is wobbly and uncertain. I have to re-learn how to walk.

I fall.
Do I get up?
Yes!

That's the easy part.

Do I stay outside in this fresh start or do I go I go back inside, where it's safe, comfortable, and warm. But, remember, inside is where I die until I'm dead. Isolated from purpose.

Outside, ears chill, numbing from the cold whispers of doubt. Dreams always look pretty until we step into them. Then, the harsh world tests us. It seeks to find how bad we want this dream. The cold and our resolve draw a line between dream and fantasy. 

In the unknown we are vulnerable, but, vulnerability is the prerequisite to joy. 

Today I am vulnerable, making tracks in the snow.

The Hole

Last night and today have been rough again. I don't share this journey for sympathy. I share it because I want people who suffer to understand set backs happen... A lot! But we GROW through them as we GO through them. Doesn't make it any easier, but going through something means, at some point, that thing will pass. We go through seasons, we don't stay in them. 

I also share my journey to help give a glimpse into the world of PTS (Post Traumatic Stress) to those who have an interest and to those who may know someone with PTS. 

Poetry is one way I deal with my spirals. I'm not a poet. I don't follow any form. The best way I can describe it as a stream of consciousness. I feel it and write it and through that process, I heal. Here is what I wrote this morning during a spiral.

The Hole:

Grasping in the dark.
Desperate.
Falling fast.
How deep does this hole go?

Falling further from the light,
Distinct shapes become blurs,
Blurs becoming pinholes of light.
Thrashing, reaching, scratching, trying to stop the fall.

Falling so fast every root slips through my grasp.
Smashing into the wall,
The echo sounds like a laugh.

Laugh after crash,
After laugh after crash,
Builds a chorus of cacophony.
Another crushing blow to hope.

Clarity, where have you gone?
Was I running to fast
And didn't see the hole?
It goes this way. Walk don't run.

But I'm so far behind the others.

Yes, but when you run you find holes.
You fall from light because you have no plan.

You look scared, sad, solitary, sullen, but not surprised.
You know how to be hopeless.
Are you afraid your wounds will heal?

Is that why you hang onto unhealthy?

Is that why you allow assassins sanctuary in your open heart with knives?

Is that why you bare your naked wrists to the sharp tongued serpent hoping for a smile?

You donate blood and replace it with suffer.
Suffer for success,
Suffer for significance,
Suffer for solidarity,
Suffer for a chance to shake the wrong hand.
You martyr.

You've found your place amongst the suffocating darkness.
Will you stay here?
If given another chance, would you walk?

Yes.

My hand finds a root.
I grasp it
Pain courses through my jarred body,
But the fall stops,
and I slowly start to climb.
Towards the light.

One step at a time.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Hand over hand.
Foot over foot.
Continue.

And so it goes.

What I Do Have

I don't have all the answers. I never will and I’ll never claim to. I have no great wisdom or profound insight. What I do have is relationship. 

What I do have is a group of brothers that can light beacons, throw up flares, and rain down hellfire on my demons. All I need to do is call on them.

What I do have is a wife that stays when common sense would say run. Who is willing to do the bucket work alongside me. I promise you it’s far harder than it may sound. But this is a covenant relationship and that means something. We stay in it together. 

I stay in my brothers’ corner because I made a covenant promise to be there. When I’m the man down, I know they’re in my corner, setting the towel on fire because throwing it in is not an option.

This life is not meant to be lived alone. Sometimes, through my actions, I ask my wife to do just that. Sometimes, when she cries, I avert my eyes because I know I caused the tears. It’s to scary to feel. It’s to overwhelming to accept I’ve hurt the one I love most. The woman who ran towards me, the woman that embraced me when others ran away. The woman who just wants me to feel love and joy. She is the same woman I leave in tears, feeling at times, unwanted.

I’m so sick I run away from the truth. I don’t want to hurt another person. I protect myself through apathy and disconnection and in the process, hurt her further. All she wants is to feel confident that I love her and I’m present, that I’m not going anywhere. All she wants is to know I truly love myself. I’m working hard to giver that gift. But, my burdens can’t all rest on her shoulders.

We need relationships to shoulder the burdens. There will be many. I need good men in my life to shift my perspective, call out my blind spots, share wisdom with, challenge me, call me out, show me love, and to believe in me. I have that and it’s about time I lean into it.

Cut off from the world, cut off from love, we die. The bridge between death and joy is relationship. We can walk two different ways, towards death or joy. 

No matter what, we are always walking one way or the other.

Dig Well

I'm trying my best, just like everyone else. My best looks different from everybody else. It even looks different than what my best used to be! But so does my passion and purpose.

It’s amazing how desperately I hang onto unhealthy things and how ferocious my fear is when faced with hope. What if I don’t deserve it? What if I’m not good enough? What if its beginners luck? What if, from my platform, I leap into irrelevance? What if my dreams are too big?

I catch a glimpse of hope and purpose and immediately fight to disqualify myself, so others won’t. The reality is if your dream doesn’t scare you, it’s not big enough.

Anyone who knows me, knows I have no trouble dreaming. But, dreams with out action become paintings on our cave wall. Am I a dreamer sitting on a couch, or a dreamer stepping forth from his cave? Furthermore, if I leave the cave, which dreams do I follow? 

From this cave I’ve started no less than 5 businesses, written and filmed several Hollywood blockbusters, mastered the martial arts, gotten in shape, finished an ironman triathlon, started a non-profit, and so much more. But not a single one of those accomplishments have ever made it outside my head! They stay stuck inside, tearing me apart.

My compass needle won’t stop spinning. It keeps me lost in the darkness of my cave. Even if I wanted to step out, I’ve forgotten where the exit is.

Why? Because I’m spinning so many plates. If I move, they’ll all crash down around me. But what if I come at this problem from a new perspective. 

All the plates carry a dream, an achievement, a goal, I know that. But, the plates are spinning on something. A pole. What is that pole? A support, an underlying principle that allows the plate to spin.

These poles, these foundations are our core purpose. The pole holds the plate, holds the space between me and the realization of my dreams.

I looked at all my dreams in this way and found a common thread, the composition of the pole. It’s to help others. It’s to lead the immature masculine to mature masculinity. It’s to love, support, and hold the space with those who have been hurt by the immature masculine, in all his forms.

I understand now! We spin plates on broken sticks! There is no stability and if we move forward, we will be destroyed along with our dreams. There is no security, only chaos!

Emotional paralysis is spinning plates on splintered sticks.

Our only responsibility is to find our core purpose and live it. It will drive us to the realization of our dreams. Staying grounded in that truth, staying focused on our core purpose, makes failure impossible.

We may never be famous, we may never be important in the eyes of the world. But, we will be happy. We will be fulfilled. We will make a difference.

This year is the year we stop trying and start being. 

Find the unifying truth beneath every dream. There you will find the beginnings of your journey. The journey to discovering your core purpose.

Dig well my brothers and sisters.