Write

It never ceases to amaze me how much hope can be in my face, how many relationships can grow/develop, how many puzzle pieces can fall into place, and still, I have mornings like these.

A few hours ago, I shared a post about hope. About loving yourself, and here I sit, not taking my own advice. But I’m no hypocrite, I’m wounded. PTS (Post Traumatic Stress) is a formidable foe. Its an ever changing bedmate. This is why I believe a single plan of treatment is grossly ineffective. We need therapy, community, a cause to fight for, a race to train for. We need a voice and we need to use it. We need to create and not be afraid of our emotions. We need to honor them.

I had a rough morning after a good start. Thats PTS. Its guerrilla warfare and if you’re trained in tradition combat, you’re done. PTS requires a modern fighting approach. If the Red Coats fought the modern US soldiers, the battles would be quite a bit shorter!

Its time we get creative in this fight. The old way wasn’t working so I reached out and went the non-traditional route. I kept my therapy appointments and they are still very important. They just can’t be the only thing we do in out pursuit of healing. Because I reached out I received non-traditional building blocks. I was then able to build a healthy structure on top of my traditional foundation. Because of this, I am writing and stopping my downward spiral.

Lets get tactical!

For me, that means adding to my therapy visits additional healing measures. Its getting a service dog, attending Save a Warrior, Getting to know Magnus at Mission 22 and Elder Heart, Its training for triathlon, Its creating an opportunity to lead others as they train as well, and Its being vulnerable.

In this moment, I feel better. From the moment my pen hit paper to now, I am a different person.

Write.

I challenge you all to write! Force yourself to write when you’re scared or hurting! If you’d be brave, secure, and ready to, share it somewhere, somehow, and with someone! We struggle when we’re alone, when we try to keep up appearances. We keep ourselves sick believing the fallacy that showing emotions, good or “bad”, somehow makes us weak.

In truth, showing emotion means we are strong and close to the heart of true humanity.

Write.

The Sunrise

I wrote the poem at the bottom of this page from the perspective of war as a metaphor for fight. Any fight. Wether it be illness, making the change to healthier living, adversity in relationship, adversity in career, or adversity in emotional health, they all are a form of war.

I love the phrase, "If you want peace, prepare for war." It can be applied to a literal war, certainly, but to me it means so much more. In anything, if you want to make a change, if you want to overcome something, if you want to heal, or any number of other things, you must prepare for war.

Sobriety was and is a war for me. Finally freeing myself from my cocaine addiction was a war. It was a constant battle physically for about a month and a half. It was a mental battle to fight against the desire to use again for at least another 5-6 years. I have peace with it now. Recently I've admitted I have a problem with alcohol. I'm almost 4 months sober and its a battle to maintain it. But I am getting stronger!

It was a war to stay alive and not commit suicide. I had to get into therapy, ask to be switched to 8 different therapists before I found a therapist that was a great fit for me. I fought against the "screw it" mentality when I believed no counselor could help me. Once I found him, he challenged me and warned me my PTS (Post Traumatic Stress) would get worse before it got better. If you want peace, prepare for war.

I want to finish an Ironman triathlon, race bicycle competitively, form a veterans race fund, get veterans active in exercise and community, find them an outlet for their energies in a healthy way, help men (myself included) find mature masculinity, and ultimately I want to help my brothers and sisters find peace. But in each one of those cases, the onset of change is like stepping back onto the field of battle. As warriors, its a place we are familiar with.

In this poem, see the war as your own personal battle. What peace are you searching for? What battles are you afraid to fight? The sunrise is the promise of hope, the promise things will get better. We all have it. For some, it may be just a glimpse, but its there and we must celebrate it.

Until the burden is lifted and you get to the top of the hill, catching your breathe, embracing hope is a conscious choice and effort. Tell yourself there is hope over and over until you believe it. Tell yourself to forgive the people who have hurt you until you actually believe it. Tell yourself you are worthy of love until you actually believe it. Tell yourself you have value until you actually believe it. Tell yourself you won't quit... Until you actually believe it.

The only way to succeed is believing in yourself. If the world loves you and believes in you, its not enough. Its only good for a season. It becomes sustainable when you believe the positive self talk.

You are worthy of love and relationship. Now look out the window, and see the sunrise.

The Sunrise

By: Eric Beach

Few things are as beautiful

As the sunrise after a firefight.

When the day breaks

And you realize

You’re still alive,

Take a deep breath

And close your eyes.

Then say a prayer for those

Who can no longer fight.

Far too many saw the sunset

And missed the sunrise.

When the night fell

Some wished on a star

And learned that

Wishes only go so far.

You see in war

The morning is no guarantee,

A sight seen by most

For others, vision ended in a dream.

So if you’re lucky enough to see the sun

Paint its picture in the sky,

Welcome the new day

And accept its challenge

To stay alive and remember,

Few things are as beautiful

As the sunrise.

How to Follow Me on this Journey!

Hey everyone! This will be more of an informational post. I want to make sure everyone has all the information they need in order to follow me on this journey that wants to! I'll be including my first video blog at the bottom. In order to subscribe to my YouTube channel (where the video blogs will live) can be found by Clicking Here - YouTube. Once on my site, you can click subscribe if you'd like to be notified whenever I post a new video. I'm still a filmmaker at heart, and occasionally I'll be sharing my creative projects on my YouTube page as well!

Other than the blog, which you are currently reading so I'm assuming you don't need a link... You can follow me on my Facebook page by Clicking Here - Hill 22 Facebook Page.

Thanks for joining me! Please feel free to comment, ask questions, and share your perspective! This is a community!

Step Out Cold, Wet, and Naked

I love a hot shower. There are few things I enjoy more than the first moment the hot water hits you. Immediately you are wrapped in comfort, and relief washes away the tension. Its so wonderful, many times its hard to leave!

As a father, I have two young girls. My youngest is just over one. Typically, when I shower, I keep her in the bathroom and she has a blast playing with towels, socks, my pants, essentially anything I've left on the ground. Occasionally, though not so occasionally, she opens the door of our ensuite bathroom and heads into the bedroom to continue her play elsewhere. This is fine except the shower has a glass door and we, like many, have windows in our bedroom...

So, as not to expose myself to the those trying to enjoy a nice leisurely walk around the neighborhood, I leave the lights in the bathroom off. This way I avoid quite literally highlighting my nudeness.

The other day, I was in the shower, working through some issues and mental blocks. For a time, I had been stuck in a pattern of being easily offended, everything was a fight. I knew I was acting childish, but wasn't doing much of anything about it. I've discovered the mind tends to keep the sick person sick, left to itself.

As I'm thinking through this problem, my one year old was playing as I showered in the dim, window lit room. I began to equate the comfort I found in the shower to that of a baby in the womb. Safe, warm, comfortable, and I know when I leave it, I will be in the harsh world cold, wet, and naked. Sounds awful!

My daughter crawled to the bedroom door and opened it about a quarter of the way. She was immediately bathed in golden light. Then clarity hit me.

Addiction, complacency, victim mentality, a spirit of offense, whatever it is that holds you back from real growth, thats your shower. In the shower, we know what to expect, we are comfortable here. My daughter represented child psychology crawling towards the door of change, opening it, and letting the the light of maturity invade the dark. She opened the gateway to relevance, purpose, significance, and the light became the golden path to servant leadership.

She looked back at me as if to say, "Are you coming with me, or are you just going to stay in the shower forever?' The problem is, to reach the light from the darkness we are required to step out from the womb, cold, wet, and naked.

To go anywhere good in this life, we must be willing to bare our naked soul. We must be willing to courageously shiver with vulnerability. We must step out into the cold world raw and fight the urge to turn back to the comforts we once knew.

Before I left the shower, I wrote on the glass, "Step out cold, wet, and naked."

Avalanche - Poetic Expression

Avalanche

By Eric Beach

I’m on a snow covered mountain.

I look out across frozen waves of white winter.

Sleeping life lies dormant under blankets of snow,

Alive in my mind only through memory.

 

The air stings my face.

It slaps my senses and cries,

Why are you out here?

I’m looking for something.

 

Scanning below the horizon,

I see it.

A village.

At its center,

A fire.

 

Wood burning,

Energy releasing its potential.

Hope,

Take away colds sting.

 

I forget myself,

I clap and shout, this is it!

Exuberance fills me.

I’ve found what I’ve spent my life looking for.

 

As my echo fades, another sound rises.

Deep Creaks introduce a low rumble.

I look behind me and up the mountain.

Avalanche.

 

I stand on a board made from my wounds.

My boots bound to it.

Left foot stands in courage,

Right foot stands in vulnerability.

Pointing my everything towards the village,

I ride.

 

Before me, clear, unmolested snow.

A future umarred waiting for me to touch it.

It begs me to leave my mark.

Behind me the roar of fear, doubt,

And the screams of past failure.

 

The snow crashes through trees,

Snapping the sturdy pine,

They cry out, you can’t!

I almost listen.

 

I fight the urge to look back.

I am faster than fear,

Faster than doubt,

Faster than past failure,

Because I’m driven by wounds, courage,

and vulnerability and Gravity pulls towards

the fire of hope and purpose.

 

I leave tracks of gold.

The avalanche can’t tell me where to go

If it doesn’t catch me.

Only if I turn, look and slow down

Will I allow fear to steer.

 

Once you’re surrounded, freedom dwindles.

Your lane narrows, options fade, direction lessens,

Air thins, and you suffocate.

Laid to rest deep beneath the sheets of icy regret

And self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

Eyes straight, block out the noise,

It offers no benefit to listen.

Look where you’re going, lean into it,

Feel the burn in your legs,

And fight through to freedom.

 

 

 

 

 

Don't scratch!

I try to meditate for 20 minutes right before I go to bed every night. I fail with consistency and lately, the nights I don't meditate, far outnumber the nights I do. It's funny how the things we know are best for us can become the very things we forgo most often!

In meditation, there is an element of self-discipline that is required and developed. Sitting still and keeping your mind clear for 20 minutes is far harder than it sounds!

As thoughts sneak in, and they do, all the time, we acknowledge them and let them float away like clouds across the sky. "We are not the itch, we experience the itch." I had to repeat that so many times last night it became a mantra! I had so many itches that desperately wanted me to scratch them! I focused, breathed, and watched them and their dagger like edges float by only to be replaced by another grouping!

Just when I thought I had claimed total victory, and believed I could finish the session without scratching the itch, a barrage of fresh itch breeched my walls and sought to usurp the throne of self-control. It reminded me of something I read in the book "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho. 

In the book, a Shepard boy ventures out in search of a treasure that has appeared to him in his dreams. On his journey, he has a chance encounter with a king who tells him about a mans "personal legend." According to the king, the only responsibility a man has in life, is to find and live out his personal legend. This concept is one I liken to finding your "core purpose."

The king explained, on the way to fulfilling your personal legend, the universe would at first seek to show you favor, call it beginners luck, in an effort to affirm you and motivate you to continue on your path. things magically fall into place, people are responding to you, you are making a difference! Oh my gosh! This is going to work!

The king further explains that a time comes when the journeyman would be tested before the fulfillment of their personal legend. He or she would need to use all the lessons they had learned through various trials in order to not quit or turn away. In that moment, they must prove their dedication to purpose, their personal legend. If they fail, they prove they are not ready for life after their personal legend is lived out. My meditation became a microcosm of that journey! 

At first, I was doing well. The first 6 minutes I was still, clear of mind. Beginners luck. Keep going. Then came the itch , the trials. I won, I overcame. But when the final barrage overtook me, I wanted to itch, I wanted to quit, I wanted to turn away from my "personal legend." I wanted to once again be comfortable. But, I resisted and am stronger for it.

My life has mirrored this journey, and without introspection, it would continue in failures. The phrase "strength through pain" has been important to me recently. Strength is required to go through and grow through pain. Pain is required to grow in strength. 

Running is painful, it isn't comfortable. Forgoing pleasure is painful. But we fail to grow stronger if we trade the pain for comfort.

Psychologist Carl Jung said "Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens." To realize our purpose we must look inside ourselves and find out who we really are. Not who we were told to be, not who we strive to be because society calls your path honorable. Jiddu Krishnamurti said, "It is no measure of good health to be adjusted to a profoundly sick society."

I'm not comfortable. I'm not trying to please anyone. I'm not trying to see how many likes or shares I can get on Facebook. I'm finding my purpose. I'm accepting the obstacles, limping over them and not looking in the crowd to see whose laughing at me.  It's my journey and I'm doing the bucket work. 

Band Aid Solution

Racism, is not new. Prejudice, is not new. Slavery, is not new. Genocide, is not new. Hate, is not new. I wish it was, because if it were, it would be an easier problem to solve.

Religions are not exempt from this truth, Nor is any nation. In our short history, in our own nation, we've hated the Chinese, Irish, and Africans to name a few. As "humans" there seems to always be a group that will find a diluted reason to hate a group for its "difference".

To effect change we create movements. Movements aren't bad, but are temporary fixes. Band aid solutions. Policy doesn't remove hate. It may silence the violence... For a time. But it will always lurk behind the shadows of noble cause, waiting until it's voice is strong enough, to once again spit it's venom.

 We went to war, defeated the Nazis, yet people still hate Jews.

I went to war, fought against the terrorists and learned about hate. I even felt it, and it scared me. I learned one universal truth in war. I fought an enemy who taught his child I was evil. This child grew up believing his father as any child would. Now, if I kill his father, I've not won a war, I've solidified in the boys mind, his father was justified in his lessons of hate. The war doesn't end. It is simply kicked down the road.

Non-Muslims are being murdered by terror groups. Children and women are thrown into sex trafficking. People abuse their "serfs" in pursuit of profit. Innocent black lives have been murdered. Innocent police lives have been murdered. 

We paint in broad brush strokes, "the state traded in the hoods of the KKK for police uniforms." "Blacks shouldn't complain, they have it so much better than they used too." These fallacies become dogmas, breeding grounds for hate. 

We chose a cause in order to solidify why we are justified in our feelings. But why do we feel this way? Because, from our warped perspective, we view others as different and it scares us. Like a baby, not hungry, suckles at their mothers breast. So do we suckle at the breast of security found in the teachings, whatever they may been, from our mothers and fathers. 

A very simple, basic illustration. 

"I'm a republican."

"Why?"

"Because my mom and dad were."

"What's a republican?"

"Not really sure, but that's what I am."

The root cause of fear is death. We will do irrational things when we fear death. We wish to survive and kill that which "threatens" us even if the threat is merely perceived and not real. So what's the solution?

Unity. Brotherhood. Sisterhood. Growing into mature masculinity and femininity. The realization we aren't different. To remove the labels. To Love. 

This spoken word piece, I believe,  reveals the root. Treat it and we won't need these band aid solutions anymore. 

Warning, living as a medication treating the root may be the hardest thing you ever do. It may take longer than your lifetime. But it's the only way to a unified human existence.

When I Grow Up

What do you want to be when you grow up? We ask that question of ourselves and each other over and over. I’m 32 and still trying to figure it out.

The problem is we think we have to be a professional “something.” The focus is wrong. The goal shouldn’t be to become a something. What we become should be a symptom of finding our core purpose.

Living life fueled by purpose will always turn you into something. Maybe a doctor, contractor, actor, athlete, waiter, or any other profession you can think of. But, the title we attain is such a small part of the bigger picture of who we are becoming. Often, the title becomes a death sentence.

I chose a safe career. Job security became more important than happiness. I’ve come to realize, that mindset robs three groups of people. You, those that love you, and all the people who would have been impacted by you had you pursued your passion and found your core purpose.

Finding these spiritual truths isn’t easy, nor is pursuing them once we’ve found them. I don’t think it should be easy. If it was, we’d miss out on the life experiences that uniquely qualify us to speak from our eventual platform. It would rob us of trial and conflict, both of which will grow us given the right perspective and mindset.

This morning, my 4 year old told me what she wanted to be when she grew up. Her answer was “a Human.” Wow. That hit me.

We follow what society tells us is good and honorable. We set our life’s course using culture as our map. We marry the path and deny the voices trying to pull us towards passion and purpose.

I admit, I resisted for years, and the pull still scares me at times.

Scale back the vision. What do you want to be?

We should all answer, “A human.”

I want to be a human with feelings. A human who is able to give love and receive it. Able to trust, have their heart broken, grieve, and move forward still open to trust. I want to feel.

Humans weren’t designed to be cold, numb, and isolated. We weren’t meant to find success in a career. We were meant to find our own heart and unlock its potential. We were meant to infect the world with our joy.

We can’t do that if we aren’t pursuing purpose and we can’t do that unless we first find our humanity.

For those reasons, when I grow up, I want to be a human.

Ego

Ego get out of here     

I’m done with you.

You hold me back,

Keeping me stuck in the past,

Dwelling on every mistake I’ve ever made.

Pursuing perfect imperfection,

A figment of my imagination.

Flawed is beautiful?

No. Better to change who you are

And avoid the scar.

But You’ve changed everything.

What I see in the mirror

Bad hair not a person,

Less then perfect complexion.

Self confidence, Eviction.

For ideas of this Ideal Identity

That's forever out of reach.

But I reached, and began to teach

Myself I wasn’t worth anything

Until I was loved by all.

By any means.

You’ve made me hurt others

By altering my behavior,

Suppressing me

To become who they want

Me to be.

I’ve sold out friends

For acquaintances,

My uniqueness

For carbon copies of cool.

Though my heart hurt from the fakeness

I continued to chase this.

This ideal identity,

This perfect me.

And for what?

For silence once the party dies?

Lonely until I’m needed

To bring laughter

To my fellow defeated?

Left empty with a pain in my stomach

That asks, was it worth it?

Was it worth it?

How dare you lead me to defeat

At the feet of the self worshiping lonely,

A phony who once was somebody.

Ego I’m done with you.

Pride filled eyes blocked my sight

Blinding my vision, darkness replaced light

Every disagreement a fight,

Because I had to be right.

Ego I’m done with you.

Look back at my wake

Broken hearts in the places I left them,

Juggled love in my hands

And failed to protect it,

Treated life as a game paid out in pain

Reduced people to names

In pursuit of this illusion of self proclaimed fame.

Ego I’m done with you

Self worth I run to you,

Self respect I’m in love with you,

Humbleness since we’ve met

My life’s song will be written

And sung to you.

My life made new

Headed for noble pursuits

Because ego, I’m done with you.

Throw a Fit

I held my child this morning. The embrace was life giving. But, the time came to put her down and she wept. It hurt my soul so I picked her up and embraced her tighter than before. She did the same. In that moment I didn't want to ever let her go... Then I realized something.

Many men, and women, (but I can only speak for the male psyche) grew up with our childhood robbed from us. It was smashed by an abusive father, hidden by and absent father, or distorted and wrapped in bubble wrap by an overindulgent father. 

We were prevented from growing into a mature man. Instead we grew up still clutching our inner child. The lost and hurting one. The child if we set down will cry until we pick it back up. 

Security and comfort are found only if we embrace that wounded child. Maybe that doesn't sound bad, but how much can we accomplish when holding that inner child. We have no free hand and in an effort to find one we have two choices. 

We can set the child down and complete the task half present and half focused and pulled down by the squalling child. We become short tempered and frustrated when the task doesn't go as planned. We want it done fast so we can silence the screaming child. 

Or, we can adjust, put the child on our hip, or some other odd mechanical arrangement and fumble through whatever it is we wish to do. Things get dropped, we appear incompetent and weak. We feel shamed, so this option makes us want to stop trying anything that doesn't nourish that inner child. 

So how do we overcome this? That's part of the journey I'm on. I'm taking moments to let the baby cry. I'm putting myself in relationships with men better than myself to help me mature the child. 

We should never get rid of the child inside us. If we do, we also get rid of creativity, spontaneity, and exuberant joy. We become callous, cruel, and driven only by results and completion of task. 

What we need to do, is learn how to set boundaries for that inner child. We need to help him grow and acknowledge he is part of us. We need to acknowledge what's going on when anger surges. We need to see that our inner child is on the ground throwing a fit in the middle of the grocery store. 

Then, we need to take a breathe, tell the child we'll be done in a minute, and only after we hold the space and finish the task will we return to the grab the child. It's not easy to do, but I'm trying.

Hurdles

Since running my last triathlon, my knee has been giving issues. I can’t seem to run more than a mile before a sharp pain reduces me to a walk, or light jog. I’ve tried to rest and ice it, slow down my pace, and even not run. Nothing has made a lasting impact. At mile one, the pain returns. At the 1-mile mark, my leg becomes unhealthy.

Yesterday, I needed to run. I needed a physical outlet. I’ve been reading about proper running form and had some new things I needed to try. It was 12 degrees yesterday morning when the time came to run. The first mile burned my lungs with cold, but I felt alive! But, after that first mile, the sharp pain jolted through my leg. I stopped and walked. I was frustrated but calm.

I asked myself, “What is going on!?!” Unsatisfied with walking I started to run again. I shortened my stride, doubled my cadence, and looked at the road, 20 feet ahead of me. With these things and only slightly bending my knee as I ran, I was able to finish the second mile. Setting out that morning, all I wanted to do was finish a 2 mile run.

I felt good about it. I didn't finish without pain, but I finished. My pace was slower than I would have liked. In the past, I hated any regression, but now I see it differently. Here’s what I learned yesterday morning.

I tend to focus on the future, but stare at the ground in front of me. My thought process is a little like this. “I want to finish an ironman and help others compete in the sport I’ve come to love. But, my knee is preventing me from running more than a mile. My dream then, is impossible. Now I’m hopeless.”

I disqualify myself rather than step back and reevaluate my circumstance. Maybe I should run slower for a while instead of just quitting. I had been running a 5K in the 23-minute range. Maybe I need to run it in the 27-minute range until I’m stronger and understand the origins of my pain. That's ok! Setbacks aren’t closed doors. Setbacks are more like hurdles, and hurdles were designed to be overcome.

Whatever dream I have, and there are several, will undoubtedly come with setbacks and hurdles. The question isn’t if or when, it’s what are you willing to overcome in pursuit of your dream.

Don’t stare at the ground on the way to your dream. You won’t see the hurdle coming and you will fall hard. I promise.

Don’t mistake the temporary for the permanent. Slowing down for a time doesn’t equal failure if it helps you ultimately get you to your dream.

Climbing Hill 22, that thing you feel if attempted would overwhelm and kill you, requires success and failure, sprints and walks, and hurdles… A lot of hurdles.

Nobody wins a race because they were comfortable. They win because they committed to what was required to overcome the hurdles. They new the cost’s, weighed them and decided their heart was willing to pay the price. They showed up to the race wounded, bearing their scars and appeared comfortable because the physical race is the easy part.