Don't scratch!

I try to meditate for 20 minutes right before I go to bed every night. I fail with consistency and lately, the nights I don't meditate, far outnumber the nights I do. It's funny how the things we know are best for us can become the very things we forgo most often!

In meditation, there is an element of self-discipline that is required and developed. Sitting still and keeping your mind clear for 20 minutes is far harder than it sounds!

As thoughts sneak in, and they do, all the time, we acknowledge them and let them float away like clouds across the sky. "We are not the itch, we experience the itch." I had to repeat that so many times last night it became a mantra! I had so many itches that desperately wanted me to scratch them! I focused, breathed, and watched them and their dagger like edges float by only to be replaced by another grouping!

Just when I thought I had claimed total victory, and believed I could finish the session without scratching the itch, a barrage of fresh itch breeched my walls and sought to usurp the throne of self-control. It reminded me of something I read in the book "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho. 

In the book, a Shepard boy ventures out in search of a treasure that has appeared to him in his dreams. On his journey, he has a chance encounter with a king who tells him about a mans "personal legend." According to the king, the only responsibility a man has in life, is to find and live out his personal legend. This concept is one I liken to finding your "core purpose."

The king explained, on the way to fulfilling your personal legend, the universe would at first seek to show you favor, call it beginners luck, in an effort to affirm you and motivate you to continue on your path. things magically fall into place, people are responding to you, you are making a difference! Oh my gosh! This is going to work!

The king further explains that a time comes when the journeyman would be tested before the fulfillment of their personal legend. He or she would need to use all the lessons they had learned through various trials in order to not quit or turn away. In that moment, they must prove their dedication to purpose, their personal legend. If they fail, they prove they are not ready for life after their personal legend is lived out. My meditation became a microcosm of that journey! 

At first, I was doing well. The first 6 minutes I was still, clear of mind. Beginners luck. Keep going. Then came the itch , the trials. I won, I overcame. But when the final barrage overtook me, I wanted to itch, I wanted to quit, I wanted to turn away from my "personal legend." I wanted to once again be comfortable. But, I resisted and am stronger for it.

My life has mirrored this journey, and without introspection, it would continue in failures. The phrase "strength through pain" has been important to me recently. Strength is required to go through and grow through pain. Pain is required to grow in strength. 

Running is painful, it isn't comfortable. Forgoing pleasure is painful. But we fail to grow stronger if we trade the pain for comfort.

Psychologist Carl Jung said "Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens." To realize our purpose we must look inside ourselves and find out who we really are. Not who we were told to be, not who we strive to be because society calls your path honorable. Jiddu Krishnamurti said, "It is no measure of good health to be adjusted to a profoundly sick society."

I'm not comfortable. I'm not trying to please anyone. I'm not trying to see how many likes or shares I can get on Facebook. I'm finding my purpose. I'm accepting the obstacles, limping over them and not looking in the crowd to see whose laughing at me.  It's my journey and I'm doing the bucket work. 

Band Aid Solution

Racism, is not new. Prejudice, is not new. Slavery, is not new. Genocide, is not new. Hate, is not new. I wish it was, because if it were, it would be an easier problem to solve.

Religions are not exempt from this truth, Nor is any nation. In our short history, in our own nation, we've hated the Chinese, Irish, and Africans to name a few. As "humans" there seems to always be a group that will find a diluted reason to hate a group for its "difference".

To effect change we create movements. Movements aren't bad, but are temporary fixes. Band aid solutions. Policy doesn't remove hate. It may silence the violence... For a time. But it will always lurk behind the shadows of noble cause, waiting until it's voice is strong enough, to once again spit it's venom.

 We went to war, defeated the Nazis, yet people still hate Jews.

I went to war, fought against the terrorists and learned about hate. I even felt it, and it scared me. I learned one universal truth in war. I fought an enemy who taught his child I was evil. This child grew up believing his father as any child would. Now, if I kill his father, I've not won a war, I've solidified in the boys mind, his father was justified in his lessons of hate. The war doesn't end. It is simply kicked down the road.

Non-Muslims are being murdered by terror groups. Children and women are thrown into sex trafficking. People abuse their "serfs" in pursuit of profit. Innocent black lives have been murdered. Innocent police lives have been murdered. 

We paint in broad brush strokes, "the state traded in the hoods of the KKK for police uniforms." "Blacks shouldn't complain, they have it so much better than they used too." These fallacies become dogmas, breeding grounds for hate. 

We chose a cause in order to solidify why we are justified in our feelings. But why do we feel this way? Because, from our warped perspective, we view others as different and it scares us. Like a baby, not hungry, suckles at their mothers breast. So do we suckle at the breast of security found in the teachings, whatever they may been, from our mothers and fathers. 

A very simple, basic illustration. 

"I'm a republican."

"Why?"

"Because my mom and dad were."

"What's a republican?"

"Not really sure, but that's what I am."

The root cause of fear is death. We will do irrational things when we fear death. We wish to survive and kill that which "threatens" us even if the threat is merely perceived and not real. So what's the solution?

Unity. Brotherhood. Sisterhood. Growing into mature masculinity and femininity. The realization we aren't different. To remove the labels. To Love. 

This spoken word piece, I believe,  reveals the root. Treat it and we won't need these band aid solutions anymore. 

Warning, living as a medication treating the root may be the hardest thing you ever do. It may take longer than your lifetime. But it's the only way to a unified human existence.

When I Grow Up

What do you want to be when you grow up? We ask that question of ourselves and each other over and over. I’m 32 and still trying to figure it out.

The problem is we think we have to be a professional “something.” The focus is wrong. The goal shouldn’t be to become a something. What we become should be a symptom of finding our core purpose.

Living life fueled by purpose will always turn you into something. Maybe a doctor, contractor, actor, athlete, waiter, or any other profession you can think of. But, the title we attain is such a small part of the bigger picture of who we are becoming. Often, the title becomes a death sentence.

I chose a safe career. Job security became more important than happiness. I’ve come to realize, that mindset robs three groups of people. You, those that love you, and all the people who would have been impacted by you had you pursued your passion and found your core purpose.

Finding these spiritual truths isn’t easy, nor is pursuing them once we’ve found them. I don’t think it should be easy. If it was, we’d miss out on the life experiences that uniquely qualify us to speak from our eventual platform. It would rob us of trial and conflict, both of which will grow us given the right perspective and mindset.

This morning, my 4 year old told me what she wanted to be when she grew up. Her answer was “a Human.” Wow. That hit me.

We follow what society tells us is good and honorable. We set our life’s course using culture as our map. We marry the path and deny the voices trying to pull us towards passion and purpose.

I admit, I resisted for years, and the pull still scares me at times.

Scale back the vision. What do you want to be?

We should all answer, “A human.”

I want to be a human with feelings. A human who is able to give love and receive it. Able to trust, have their heart broken, grieve, and move forward still open to trust. I want to feel.

Humans weren’t designed to be cold, numb, and isolated. We weren’t meant to find success in a career. We were meant to find our own heart and unlock its potential. We were meant to infect the world with our joy.

We can’t do that if we aren’t pursuing purpose and we can’t do that unless we first find our humanity.

For those reasons, when I grow up, I want to be a human.

Ego

Ego get out of here     

I’m done with you.

You hold me back,

Keeping me stuck in the past,

Dwelling on every mistake I’ve ever made.

Pursuing perfect imperfection,

A figment of my imagination.

Flawed is beautiful?

No. Better to change who you are

And avoid the scar.

But You’ve changed everything.

What I see in the mirror

Bad hair not a person,

Less then perfect complexion.

Self confidence, Eviction.

For ideas of this Ideal Identity

That's forever out of reach.

But I reached, and began to teach

Myself I wasn’t worth anything

Until I was loved by all.

By any means.

You’ve made me hurt others

By altering my behavior,

Suppressing me

To become who they want

Me to be.

I’ve sold out friends

For acquaintances,

My uniqueness

For carbon copies of cool.

Though my heart hurt from the fakeness

I continued to chase this.

This ideal identity,

This perfect me.

And for what?

For silence once the party dies?

Lonely until I’m needed

To bring laughter

To my fellow defeated?

Left empty with a pain in my stomach

That asks, was it worth it?

Was it worth it?

How dare you lead me to defeat

At the feet of the self worshiping lonely,

A phony who once was somebody.

Ego I’m done with you.

Pride filled eyes blocked my sight

Blinding my vision, darkness replaced light

Every disagreement a fight,

Because I had to be right.

Ego I’m done with you.

Look back at my wake

Broken hearts in the places I left them,

Juggled love in my hands

And failed to protect it,

Treated life as a game paid out in pain

Reduced people to names

In pursuit of this illusion of self proclaimed fame.

Ego I’m done with you

Self worth I run to you,

Self respect I’m in love with you,

Humbleness since we’ve met

My life’s song will be written

And sung to you.

My life made new

Headed for noble pursuits

Because ego, I’m done with you.

Throw a Fit

I held my child this morning. The embrace was life giving. But, the time came to put her down and she wept. It hurt my soul so I picked her up and embraced her tighter than before. She did the same. In that moment I didn't want to ever let her go... Then I realized something.

Many men, and women, (but I can only speak for the male psyche) grew up with our childhood robbed from us. It was smashed by an abusive father, hidden by and absent father, or distorted and wrapped in bubble wrap by an overindulgent father. 

We were prevented from growing into a mature man. Instead we grew up still clutching our inner child. The lost and hurting one. The child if we set down will cry until we pick it back up. 

Security and comfort are found only if we embrace that wounded child. Maybe that doesn't sound bad, but how much can we accomplish when holding that inner child. We have no free hand and in an effort to find one we have two choices. 

We can set the child down and complete the task half present and half focused and pulled down by the squalling child. We become short tempered and frustrated when the task doesn't go as planned. We want it done fast so we can silence the screaming child. 

Or, we can adjust, put the child on our hip, or some other odd mechanical arrangement and fumble through whatever it is we wish to do. Things get dropped, we appear incompetent and weak. We feel shamed, so this option makes us want to stop trying anything that doesn't nourish that inner child. 

So how do we overcome this? That's part of the journey I'm on. I'm taking moments to let the baby cry. I'm putting myself in relationships with men better than myself to help me mature the child. 

We should never get rid of the child inside us. If we do, we also get rid of creativity, spontaneity, and exuberant joy. We become callous, cruel, and driven only by results and completion of task. 

What we need to do, is learn how to set boundaries for that inner child. We need to help him grow and acknowledge he is part of us. We need to acknowledge what's going on when anger surges. We need to see that our inner child is on the ground throwing a fit in the middle of the grocery store. 

Then, we need to take a breathe, tell the child we'll be done in a minute, and only after we hold the space and finish the task will we return to the grab the child. It's not easy to do, but I'm trying.

Hurdles

Since running my last triathlon, my knee has been giving issues. I can’t seem to run more than a mile before a sharp pain reduces me to a walk, or light jog. I’ve tried to rest and ice it, slow down my pace, and even not run. Nothing has made a lasting impact. At mile one, the pain returns. At the 1-mile mark, my leg becomes unhealthy.

Yesterday, I needed to run. I needed a physical outlet. I’ve been reading about proper running form and had some new things I needed to try. It was 12 degrees yesterday morning when the time came to run. The first mile burned my lungs with cold, but I felt alive! But, after that first mile, the sharp pain jolted through my leg. I stopped and walked. I was frustrated but calm.

I asked myself, “What is going on!?!” Unsatisfied with walking I started to run again. I shortened my stride, doubled my cadence, and looked at the road, 20 feet ahead of me. With these things and only slightly bending my knee as I ran, I was able to finish the second mile. Setting out that morning, all I wanted to do was finish a 2 mile run.

I felt good about it. I didn't finish without pain, but I finished. My pace was slower than I would have liked. In the past, I hated any regression, but now I see it differently. Here’s what I learned yesterday morning.

I tend to focus on the future, but stare at the ground in front of me. My thought process is a little like this. “I want to finish an ironman and help others compete in the sport I’ve come to love. But, my knee is preventing me from running more than a mile. My dream then, is impossible. Now I’m hopeless.”

I disqualify myself rather than step back and reevaluate my circumstance. Maybe I should run slower for a while instead of just quitting. I had been running a 5K in the 23-minute range. Maybe I need to run it in the 27-minute range until I’m stronger and understand the origins of my pain. That's ok! Setbacks aren’t closed doors. Setbacks are more like hurdles, and hurdles were designed to be overcome.

Whatever dream I have, and there are several, will undoubtedly come with setbacks and hurdles. The question isn’t if or when, it’s what are you willing to overcome in pursuit of your dream.

Don’t stare at the ground on the way to your dream. You won’t see the hurdle coming and you will fall hard. I promise.

Don’t mistake the temporary for the permanent. Slowing down for a time doesn’t equal failure if it helps you ultimately get you to your dream.

Climbing Hill 22, that thing you feel if attempted would overwhelm and kill you, requires success and failure, sprints and walks, and hurdles… A lot of hurdles.

Nobody wins a race because they were comfortable. They win because they committed to what was required to overcome the hurdles. They new the cost’s, weighed them and decided their heart was willing to pay the price. They showed up to the race wounded, bearing their scars and appeared comfortable because the physical race is the easy part.

Making Tracks

The snow is falling and beginning to blanket the ground. The browning grass, the mole hills, and the scared earth slowly disappearing beneath pure white.

The damage done, the wounds of the past are covered, but still present under a clean slate, a blank canvas. I have new hope, like the falling snow.

Looking through the window, I am warm and appreciate the beauty before me. But, with the snow, comes burden. Stepping outside into the new world brings new challenges.

The wind whips, stings exposed skin. It's vulnerable. Each step is wobbly and uncertain. I have to re-learn how to walk.

I fall.
Do I get up?
Yes!

That's the easy part.

Do I stay outside in this fresh start or do I go I go back inside, where it's safe, comfortable, and warm. But, remember, inside is where I die until I'm dead. Isolated from purpose.

Outside, ears chill, numbing from the cold whispers of doubt. Dreams always look pretty until we step into them. Then, the harsh world tests us. It seeks to find how bad we want this dream. The cold and our resolve draw a line between dream and fantasy. 

In the unknown we are vulnerable, but, vulnerability is the prerequisite to joy. 

Today I am vulnerable, making tracks in the snow.