What I Do Have

I don't have all the answers. I never will and I’ll never claim to. I have no great wisdom or profound insight. What I do have is relationship. 

What I do have is a group of brothers that can light beacons, throw up flares, and rain down hellfire on my demons. All I need to do is call on them.

What I do have is a wife that stays when common sense would say run. Who is willing to do the bucket work alongside me. I promise you it’s far harder than it may sound. But this is a covenant relationship and that means something. We stay in it together. 

I stay in my brothers’ corner because I made a covenant promise to be there. When I’m the man down, I know they’re in my corner, setting the towel on fire because throwing it in is not an option.

This life is not meant to be lived alone. Sometimes, through my actions, I ask my wife to do just that. Sometimes, when she cries, I avert my eyes because I know I caused the tears. It’s to scary to feel. It’s to overwhelming to accept I’ve hurt the one I love most. The woman who ran towards me, the woman that embraced me when others ran away. The woman who just wants me to feel love and joy. She is the same woman I leave in tears, feeling at times, unwanted.

I’m so sick I run away from the truth. I don’t want to hurt another person. I protect myself through apathy and disconnection and in the process, hurt her further. All she wants is to feel confident that I love her and I’m present, that I’m not going anywhere. All she wants is to know I truly love myself. I’m working hard to giver that gift. But, my burdens can’t all rest on her shoulders.

We need relationships to shoulder the burdens. There will be many. I need good men in my life to shift my perspective, call out my blind spots, share wisdom with, challenge me, call me out, show me love, and to believe in me. I have that and it’s about time I lean into it.

Cut off from the world, cut off from love, we die. The bridge between death and joy is relationship. We can walk two different ways, towards death or joy. 

No matter what, we are always walking one way or the other.